Flirting is fun. Unless you were brought together in matrimony via some sort of arranged marriage, you probably spent some time flirting with your spouse before you were married. Hopefully you still engage in this playful stylized gestures and languages with your spouse. It keeps things interesting, even if it something small everyday. This week I was listening to a conversation where a woman who was single, but was in a serious relationship was telling her story of how now that she was in a serious relationship, she felt shackled by the fact that she was not able to flirt with guys outside of her relationship. She contended that flirting was just a part of her personality. She even admitted that she flirted to see how far that she could take it before backing off and to see if she still “had it.”

This brings up the sometimes controversial dialogue on if it’s ok to do some “harmless” flirting with people outside your marriage or not, or if it’s considered cheating. My personal assessment is that flirting with someone outside your marriage is not a good idea at all. The need that is fulfilled by flirting should be getting met inside your marriage, and if not a converation is in order or you may just have to forefeit that need for a little while. I know asking you to not have some need met is a controversial thing to say, but are you willing to trade your whole marriage in because you want to have the itch that flirting scratches tended to but can’t get it? That’s a question for you to personally answer.

How is flirting defined? Almost universally when I looked up the word, it was defined as playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest or a social interaction whereby one person indicates romantic or sexual interest towards another person. Based on these definitions flirting isn’t really harmless at all. There is an exact intention involved whether you have that intention as the goal or not, the other party may be receiving that attention as indication of your interest in them. Would you feel comfortable flirting with another person in front of your spouse? Would you want them flirting with someone right in front of you?

To me, the danger in flirting is that you have trained your mind to give and get attention to and from someone else other than your spouse. You are trying to see “if you still have it.” For what? Do you intend to use “it” somewhere else? It is dangerous because your emotions can get involved and you may end up in a “one thing led to another situation.” 

If you really have a burning desire to flirt, turn up the flirt in you at home. If your spouse doesn’t readily respond to flirting, I dare you to keep trying until they do. You are up for the challenge, right? Use your creativity to see if you can get the spice back.

Perhaps I’m way off base on this and flirting is no big deal to you. I am going to stick to my guns on this one, but if you feel like doing harmless flirting is ok, let me know in the comments why.

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