Typically I don’t comment on “high-profile” relationships in the news. Most of the celebrity marriages I don’t take very seriously in the first place. Even though the world tried to stop when Kim Kardashian decided that 72 days was enough time to ride the peaks and valleys of marriage to determine if it was a worthy endeavor to continue, my lips remained sealed.

High-profile marriages aside, I’m rarely quick to make commentary on even the “everyman” marriage when they have issues. These situations are rarely simply black and white and I’ve developed a mistrust for people who can’t recognize those apparent shades of gray. Those people are either ignorant or dishonest. Whatever the case, a logical conversation with that person is not worth the time. There are tons of underlying issues and many times a trail of blood left on a person’s history that contributes to who they are today and how they approach life. So again I don’t offer unsolicited comments unless I can mine the whole picture first.

Enter Hermain Cain. I watched from the sidelines as the earlier allegation of sexual harrassment took place for Hermain Cain and I didn’t really flinch. It’s an unfortunate expectation that I think the general population has of politicians in general. Next came the allegation of a 13 year affair from Ginger White. She said it happened. He said it didn’t. It was his word against hers. Cain acknowledged that he knew the woman and that she was “an acquaintance” who he “thought was a friend.” He also admitted to giving her money. This blog continued to remain silent.

What prompted me to write then, is when I heard Cain say that his wife was unaware of this relationship. She was also unaware that he had given this woman money. I still won’t comment on Hermain and Gloria Cain’s marriage, but I thought there were a few lessons on marriage that I wanted to draw out for you:

Friends of the Opposite Sex: It is just not appropriate to be married and have friends of the opposite sex particularly friends that your spouse does not know about. Each time I bring this conversation up, I get much backlash about it. But having this guideline in your marriage is for your own protection. If you had friends of the opposite sex prior to your marriage, then after marriage that person needs to become friends with  your spouse. And barring some exceptions, you don’t really need to be alone with that person again.

A couple months ago, a woman at work asked me to go to lunch. I told her I didn’t go to lunch with women alone. She thought I was being ridiculous. I told her that I respected my marriage. Many people don’t agree with this. But there’s a certain level of accountability that’s necessary that keeps even the most innocent of circumstances on the “up and up”. If Herman Cain was spending time with this woman innocently, then he should have been ok with bringing someone else along. Had he done that, he would have someone to vouch for him.

Secrets: Why didn’t Herman Cain feel the need to tell his wife about a relationship that he has had for 13 years? This situation gave me the most pause. Now I’m not going to say whether his intentions were wrong, but I can certainly say it doesn’t look good. There should be ZERO secrets in your marriage (except for if you are planning surprise gift or something). ZERO.

If you are doing something that you can’t tell your spouse – chances are you probably shouldn’t be doing it. If you are doing something that you don’t think your spouse would care about and decided not to tell them… tell them just to make sure they don’t care. If you are doing something and think your spouse couldn’t handle it if you told them- go ahead and confess to it. In marriage you don’t have the right to determine what your spouse can or can not handle, you have a responsibilty to be truthful and let the outcome be what it will be. How dare you keep a secret and have your spouse living with you under the impression that false things are true. How dare you!

Financial Infidelity: Herman Cain gave this woman Ginger White financial support over the course of 13 years. How noble. But why wasn’t his wife aware of his generosity? Every dime that comes into your household when you are married, no matter who earns it, belongs to BOTH of you! You can divide it up however you like based on pre-established agreement, but there shouldn’t be any secret spending. That is called Financial Infidelity. I saw a report recently that said that 43% of people who lie about spending in marriage is because they want to avoid their spouse’s anger, lack of approval or lectures.

You don’t have to have sex to have an affair: Intercourse, outercourse, oral sex, manual stimulation or whatever other sexual activity is not necessarily required to be considered an affair. Whenever you are giving what belongs to your spouse to another person, you have begun to engage in an affair. Even flirting while married begins to take you down that road. Herman Cain may contend that it was innocent and there were no romantic feelings involved, but he should have checked to see what Ginger was feeling. If she was feeling that what he was doing aroused amorous feelings – it should have ended immediately!  Because Herman didn’t tell his wife about his friendship with this woman he is making it really hard to believe that an affair of any type what not his intention. The secret has positioned itself as a character flaw for him unfortunately.

Wrong Priorities: When these recent affair allegations came out, it bothered me that Cain continued campaigning for president rather than return home to deal with his marriage. I feel like that’s a first priority of every husband to take care and be concerned about his wife. I can understand that he may be nervous to face her right now. She is probably hurt, maybe angry and will probably have a ton of questions. But it’s not good to make her wait to get to the bottom of this situation. I don’t know if he is guilty of having an “affair”. But he is guilty of witholding information and keeping secrets from his wife. She is owed absolute compliance right now.

This blog post is not about Herman Cain. It’s about you and your marriage. If you can personally identify with any of these areas – make it right today. If you haven’t betrayed these marriage lessons - learn from the mistake of others.

What are your thoughts on this whole thing?

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