We’ve come to the end of SEX MONTH and I hope that you have enjoyed it. I would like to thank everyone that read, commented, emailed, tweeted or Facebook’ed these articles, and otherwise participated in this month of sex topics. I am also grateful to all the guest writers for this month. To wrap it up I thought I would do a simple “SEX BY THE NUMBERS” post. Although I don’t always believe that we should use statistics to measure our own lives after – I do think at times that these numbers assist to show people that what they deem as problematic sometimes lie within the realm of normal. You may find these numbers a relief, you may find that things in your home aren’t as “off-base” as you thought or if nothing else you can find these numbers as sheer entertainment. Take them with a grain of salt. Chew the meat, and spit out the bones.

101 – 127: Depending on which study you read, this is the average number of times per year that married couples have sex. It looks roughly to be about twice per week.

10: Having sex only 10 times or less per year, by definition, is considered to be in a sexless marriage. In the United States, 15% of married couples fall into the category of being in a sexless marriage.

5.1 – 5.9: While there is some variability in the number across studies, most of the studies say that this is the number in inches of the average erect penis. Also apparently the ‘average’ size is larger than the median which means that most penises are below this average.

3.5 – 5.0: The depth of a fully matured woman’s vaginal canal to cervix. Do the math in light of the above fact.

200: Number of calories the average person burns from 30 minutes of sexual intercourse. There are about 80 calories burned from a massage.

20:  Average number of minutes couples spend on foreplay.

3 to 13: A survey of sex therapists concluded that the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. (This time does NOT count foreplay.) In this same study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in a four week study with 1,500 couples they found that the median time for sexual intercourse was 7.3 minutes. (Yes, they gave the women stopwatches.) What’s up with these love songs talking about sexin’ all night long??

1 in 3: Studies estimate that 1 in 3 men experience pre-mature ejaculation. Sometimes it’s related to stress, mental anxiety, or lack of frequency of sex. By the way the number “2″ is indicative of the number of minutes before ejaculation that qualifies as premature.

44%: Percentage of married couples who claim they are “fully satisfied with their sex lives”

Were you surprised by any of these sex facts?

The last (but not least) guest post for SEX MONTH is from Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo. Tony & Alisa DiLorenzo are authors of 7 Days of Sex Challenge and Stripped Down:13 Keys to Unlocking Intimacy in Your Marriage, podcasters, speakers, and the founders of ONE Extraordinary Marriage. For many years Tony and Alisa have helped couples achieve romance, passion and intimacy in their marriage. They’ve helped thousands of couples reignite the sexual flame in their marriage.

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If your marriage is anything like ours then there have been times when you made love in the same place, same position, and the same time. Can you say BORING! We know because we’ve had boring sex. Here’s the thing though, over the years we have been able to have amazing sex by getting out of our comfort zone and trying new things.

Games, new places, and toys have enhanced our love making. Each time we have tried something new we get out of our comfort zone and learn something new about ourselves and each other. These three have helped us to spice up our sex life and are sure to get you moving in the right direction.

There are numerous games you can play to spice up your sex life. Some of the ones that we have enjoyed are Playful Romantic Dice, Foreplay Connect, and these cool scratcher cards. We’ve also played naked Wii bowling, Wii baseball, stripe poker and other. Each has helped us to try new kisses, touches, or positions that we wouldn’t have thought on our own.

One area that lacked excitement when it came to our sex life was where we had sex. For the majority of the time we had sex on our bed. It was the very, very rare occasion that we ventured out. In the last 4 years we have made it a goal of ours to try new places to spice up our sex life. Since then we’ve made love in our living room, in the back of the car, bathroom, closet, in a park, and on top of a mountain. While you are at it try a new position too.

Using sex toys was something that we didn’t explore for many years. We don’t know why because once we started using a vibrator at times it was really enjoyable. We’ve used silk towels, handcuffs, and blindfolds. There are many other toys out there that can be used to enhance your sexual pleasure. For us it wasn’t the toys that we had to overcome, but our own insecurities using them. What we came to realize is that any toy we use is an enhancer to our sex life not an everyday item to be used.

Choose any of the three or try all three in the weeks and months to come to spice up your sex life and your marriage.

Today’s SEX MONTH guest post is from Dr. Trina Read. Relationship and Sexual Health expert, Dr Trina Read, is a best selling author, media expert, magazine columnist and award winning speaker. Her website TrinaRead.com features informative and accurate information and is updated daily. Keep reading…

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A lack of sexual desire–the thoughts you have around sex–is the number one reason couples in North America stop having sex.

What that means for you is: if you have negative thoughts towards sex before, during and after the sexual encounter, it will profoundly dampen your desire to have sex.

I call it the “oh crap” phenomenon—“Oh crap, do I have to have sex tonight”, or “Oh crap, you want sex now! Can’t you see I’m exhausted?”

To get back your sexual desire, you need to start having positive thoughts towards sex. Think about something that is an indulgence—a bath, a professional massage, reading a book uninterrupted for an hour. You look forward to these times because it’s all about you as it is a nurturing space.

When going into the sexual experience you should feel that it’s all about you That your needs, wants and desires do matter and will be attended to.

There are many ways to overcome a low sexual desire and I’ve listed the top five below. However, if you are experiencing marital difficulty in other areas—over finance, children, inequitable distribution of household chores—you must work through these first. Women tend to hold on to and not forget these hurts, making it that much more difficult to have any sexual desire.

That said, pick one of five, think about it and move into action.

Sex is so Much More Than Having an Orgasm

The irony of women’s emancipation is men and women were told that once a woman got her orgasm, she would be sexually satisfied. Surprise!

Healthy women can and do consistently have an orgasm but still have no sexual desire. Regrettably, couples looking for answers to their sexual woes focus on having a bigger, better orgasm—via sex positions, sex toys, g-spot orgasm, etc.

Having an orgasm is about 5% of what sex is. Therefore, you need to refocus your attention to the sensual side of sex.

Your Needs Are Equal

There’s a shift when couples move into long term relationship where too many women stop asking for what she wants.

Sex becomes less satisfying because she does not discuss that her sexual needs have changed and are not being met. Add to this, women resent that in order for the sex to be ‘successful’, he must always have his grand finale orgasm. This leaves too many women feeling like her needs always come second to his.

You are half of the sex team. Your needs are as important as his. To enjoy sex again, you can no longer take a back seat.

Know What You Want

If you’re not happy with the way sex is in your relationship, then you have to know what you want out of the sexual experience.

Generally, many women want to be nurtured—that’s why every sex expert under the sun professes, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Unfortunately, too many women skip foreplay because they just want to get the sex over with.

Not having the kind of sex you want creates a chicken and egg situation of: you’re never aroused enough during sex because your sexual needs aren’t being met; and you don’t look forward to sex (a.k.a. sexual desire) because you are never aroused enough during the sexual experience.

Get Back In Touch With Your Body

Women live inside there head and disconnect themselves from their necks down.

Multitasking is great everywhere BUT the bedroom. A woman must allow herself to bask in her amazing senses—taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Not only that, be okay with unabashedly taking sensual pleasure from the sexual experience.

Your body is an absolute wonderland that invites you to enjoy sex. It’s time you get on board.

Put Your Back into Sex

Too many women are still passive participants in the bedroom.

They wait for their partner to initiate. They let their partner figure out what to do during the sexual encounter…and then gripe when it’s not what she wanted.

It is imperative you be proactive in the sexual experience. To initiate then follow through with what you want. This will give you much needed sexual self-confidence which will then enable you build a bigger, better sex life.

Last Word on Sex

Getting your sexual desire back doesn’t have to be difficult or time consuming. It does, however, mean you sit down and take an honest assessment of why you don’t desire sex. Once you figure it out, moving into a sex life that you look forward to is quite easy.

Week 4 of SEX MONTH continues with a guest post from Julie Sibert. Julie Sibert writes and speaks on sexual intimacy in marriage. She blogs regularly at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com and can also be found on Facebook and Twitter. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband Randall, their two sons and one German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence. Keep Reading…

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I am a busy and somewhat exhausted wife and mother.

And my house is messy, for what it’s worth (not that you wouldn’t have been able to guess that from the first sentence of this post, right?)

My “to-do” list is about 40 items shy of being “done.”  As for my laundry, well I feel like one of those exasperated cartoon characters who is constantly taking something out of a basket, only to have it instantly re-appear.  I’m sure I probably even look like a cartoon character on any given day, but I’ll let my neighbors be the judge of that.

There’s always something vying for my attention. Ungrateful children. Empty refrigerator. Messy desk.  Muddy dog paws. Unsent birthday cards. Full inbox. Oh, and did I mention the laundry?

So, now you have a glimpse into my world, which I’m guessing looks eerily similar to… hmmm.. your world.

What on earth could this possibly have to do with sex, you’re wondering?  (Well, maybe you weren’t wondering that, but I bet you are now.)

Even with how crazy, full and exhausting my life is, I rarely – and I mean VERY rarely – say “no” to sex with my husband.  In fact, I make a point to not only receive his advances, but to dole out a few of my own on a regular basis.

I’m not looking for a pat on the back (because honestly, that would just be strange. I don’t even know you. Why would you be patting me on the back for having sex?!)

I’m just saying that as a woman who blogs about sexual intimacy, I commonly hear from women who lament, “How do you possibly have time and energy to have sex?!  How do you do it?!!”

My long-winded answer usually starts with my testimony of a first marriage that was broken and sexually bankrupt – and then ends with me elaborating endlessly about the benefits of sex in my current marriage.

But I’m going to give you the short answer (because let’s face it, the time you’re spending reading this post could be better spent on having sex.  We need to move things along here.)

My short answer is that the number one thing that happens when sex is ignored in a marriage is that everyone suffers.

Certainly the husband and wife suffer, because their marriage covenant and relationship are not all they could be.  If there are children, they suffer, because they don’t have a mama and daddy who are taking good care of their marriage and setting a good example of marriage.  And society suffers, because Lord knows the last thing we need is a landscape of mediocre or devastated marriages.

The number one thing that happens when sex is ignored in a marriage is that everyone suffers.  Everyone.

If you aren’t having sex in your marriage because you are “too busy” and you have a long to-do list begging for your attention, guess what?  Your list – even if you could complete every last item – will never offer you the genuine joy and satisfaction that a strong marriage will give you.

No one looks back on life and thinks with warm memories of how they neglected their marriage – but completed their to-do list.  Seriously, no one does that.

Is nurtured sexual intimacy easy?  Well, depends on whom you ask.  I like sex a lot, so I’m more than happy to push the laundry on to the floor (where it is used to being anyway).

I know that for some of you reading this, the idea of moving sex up the priority list feels about as foreign as driving across town to buy fresh vegetables at the farmer’s market when your big chain grocery store is two blocks away.

In other words, why would you go out of the way for something better, when you are very comfortable settling for just okay?

I promise you that when we walk in the direction of health, we more often than not reap rewards we never could have fathomed.  That’s true if you’re talking about fresh vegetables. And it’s true if you’re talking about sex with the person you love.

I’ve reconciled in my heart and head that my house is always going to have a bit of mess to it, my to-do list is never going to be complete, and my fridge is going to sometimes lack milk.

What I would never be able to reconcile is sexual intimacy in my marriage always taking a back seat to everything else.   Sex with the man I love puts a lot of things into perspective.  It bonds us and softens us; reminds us once again of the power of one flesh.

And honestly, it helps us laugh more about the messiness of life, instead of feeling defeated by it.  I’d rather laugh than feel defeated, and my beloved would say the same thing.

As for life in our house, we’re going with what we know works. That just happens to involve a lot of soul-drenching sex.

**Note It’s PRIZE Friday again for SEX MONTH. Comment on this blog post for a chance to win!**
Oral sex can be really great. There. I’ve stated the obvious. But both men and women alike can sometimes have some anxieties about it. One of the most common complaints about ‘going down’ is taste. Your spouse may lick it like a lollipop, but sometimes that’s not the flavor they are getting. This is particularly a common complaint among women performing fellatio on their husbands. I read a survey where women compared the taste of their man’s semen to be “salty”, “taste like Ajax cleaner or bleach”, “Elmer’s glue”, “Brie cheese” and “globby beer”.

These descriptions are a FAR cry from what it SHOULD taste like. The Bible, in the Song of Solomon, describes two lovers describing what oral sex “tastes” like with each other.

“As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. I sat under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” (Song of Solomon 2:3)

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden and eat his pleasant fruits.” (Song of Solomon 4:16)

The first passage talks about the woman describing the taste of her man, the second describes her describing how she tastes. Both reference fruit. Which is usually sweet. Imagine how much more apt our spouses would be to perform and enjoy oral sex if there were a more palatable taste!

“How Do I Change the Taste?”

Your diet is the major contributing factor. Many people here in the United States in particular don’t have the healthiest of diets. We don’t eat or drink enough of the “right” things and eat and drink way too much of the “wrong” things.

For Men: A man’s ejaculate is made of of only 1% sperm. The rest of the semen is fructose sugars, different proteins, vitamins, sugar, salt, cholesterol and water. The pH level of semen is usually 7. In scientific terms that is considered neutral but in taste bud terms that is still sometimes a litter too bitter.

For Women: As stated before a pH level of 7 is scientifically neutral. This is usually the pH level of our skin, which is why (unless you are sweating) your spouse can kiss, lick and suck all over your body and not feel like he’s eating a batch of McDonald’s fries due to saltiness. But for a healthy vagina the pH level should be somewhere around 3.8 and 4.5. For comparison, on what neutrality of taste should be like – black coffee has a pH level of 5 and taking a lick of a lemon has a pH level of 2. Apparently a glass of wine has the same pH level of a healthy woman’s vagina.

To change the taste: cut down (or cut out) caffiene, alcohol and nicotine; drink lots of water; eat lots of fruit (particularly pineapples cranberries, apples, grapes because they tend to offset bitter tastes.); eat lots of green vegetables (but on nights you think you’ll have oral sex, avoid broccoli or asparagus); avoid junk food; too much red meat and dairy can make you taste salty; foods with heavy spices (like curry) aren’t the best. Finally add some cinnamon, lemon and peppermints to your daily food intake. This can be easily done in a cup of tea or something.

Everything God put on the earth to eat (though some in moderation like red meat) benefits your general health and your sexual health and how you taste. You can make those changes.

“What Else Can I Do?”

This part is my favorite. Recently my wife was listening to a radio program and a caller called in to recommend this product that she was using to cover up the taste when she was going down on her husband. When my wife told me about it, both of our interests were piqued. So we went on their website. The company and product is called YourMasque. Masque utilizes natural taste masking ingredients that block the tastes associated with oral sex on men. These ingredients are microencapsulated into an orally dissolvable flavor strip. The strip looks very much like one of those Listerine strips that you put on your tongue. The difference is that the Listerine strip will not conceal the tastes like the Masque strip does. The strip lasts for up to 15 minutes (sometimes more) and instantly goes to work upon dissolving in your mouth. Masque comes in 4 flavors – Mango, Strawberry, Watermelon and Chocolate. All of which have a hint of mint which is intended to prevent tasting in the nasal passages. Although the product is made to mask the taste associated with oral sex on men, my assumption is that you husbands can use it on your wives as well. (We have not yet used it for that purpose.) I highly recommend you go over to YourMasque site right now and purchase some of these strips at least once! (Just a note – 62% of women said that this product would increase the likelihood of them giving oral sex to their partner - hint, hint.) It comes in this great classy packaging and is very “first class” See image below.

The good folks over at YourMasque have provided a great gift bag with lots of these strips, T-shirt, notepads, some word magnets to write love notes on the fridge, etc just for one of you lucky winners for SEX MONTH! All you have to do is leave a comment below about this post or leave me a comment letting me know that you’ve checked out YourMasque‘s site and tell me what you think of their product! Winner will be selected on 4/26/12 from a random drawing.

Today’s SEX MONTH guest blogger: “J” is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.  Read her post below.

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“Lovers, unless their love is very short-lived, again and again feel an element not only of comedy, not only of play, but even of buffoonery, in the body’s expression of Eros.” – C.S. Lewis

When I first contemplated a blog, I considered naming it Hot & Holy. But something was missing from that title. I believed that marital intimacy should be sizzling with sensuality and kept sacred according to God’s design, and these were my goals in writing about marriage and sexuality. However, another component came to me as I began to write a few test posts: Sex is funny. Or at least good sex is funny.

You take two self-conscious people, make ‘em strip down to nothing, have them assume an awkward position, and add in the need to coordinate movements, worry about the neighbors overhearing, deal with interruptions from children, etc. and you’ve got slapstick comedy. Despite Hollywood’s efforts to portray sex as a smooth joining of two passionate people, most of us aren’t working with favorable lighting, good camera angles, and expert direction.

Yet in many of our conversations about sex, we take it all so seriously. Instead of accepting that sex can be humorous, we try to maintain some semblance of decorum about the whole thing. We emphasize the importance of staying pure before marriage, of meeting one another’s intimacy needs, of addressing problems, and communicating effectively with your spouse. These are all important. But one of the best things a married couple with a ho-hum sex life can do is to simply lighten up and introduce some humor into the bedroom. Because sex is funny. In fact, I believe God designed sex to make us laugh . . . or at least grin.

If you make love for several years in your marriage, expect some of the following to happen:

• You fall off the bed. How do you recover from   that?
• You’re interrupted midway through by your child   knocking on the door. Or in-law. Awkward.
• One of you farts, or she lets out a queef. (Please   don’t ask me to define that. Go look it up.) Body functions happen, sometimes   at the most inopportune moment.

You miss your target. You name it – going in for the   kiss and bumping noses, aiming to stroke a breast and meeting an elbow, or   reaching out for your honey in the middle of the night and mistaking your   dog’s coat for his hair (“That’s not me, silly; that’s Fido.”)

One of you misspeaks, and what comes out is not   romantic but downright hilarious. “You are so shot . . . I mean, hot, hot!”   (Facepalm.)

Rather than experiencing severe embarrassment, these moments can draw you closer as you share humorous memories and laugh together. Indeed, numerous studies have linked humor to marital satisfaction. While intimacy is reproductive, relational, and representative of Christ and the church, it’s also recreational. It’s supposed to feel good!

So make your bedroom a playful environment, where grinning, giggling, and guffawing are welcome. Here are a few suggestions for introducing play and laughter into your marital bedroom.

• Grab just about any board game from your collection and   make it a strip game. Strip Yahtzee, Strip Scrabble, Strip Monopoly. Make up   your own rules. (Example for Monopoly: Every time you pass GO, you get $200   and a piece of your spouse’s clothing.)
• Dance for each other. Let one of you pick the style of   music, and the other must perform. Some of you are excellent dancers, and some   of you will cause your spouse to double over in gut-wrenching laughter as you   entertain them with your less-than-rhythmic rendition of “Sexy and I Know   It.”
• Use nicknames. Choose nicknames for each other and/or   your body parts. You have to smile a bit if she renames her husband Mr.   Feelgood and he renames his wife’s girly parts Beyoncé and Angelina. Be creative and make your mate smile.
• Try a new position. Married Spice has done a good job posting sexual positions that are tastefully demonstrated by dolls. Rearranging your   bodies and getting everything to fit just so can sometimes feel like a game of  Twister (right hand on red, left foot on green). It’s fun, and   funny.
• Wear a costume. If you’re comfortable, throw on a full   costume or a piece of one. I’m not suggesting that you pretend to be someone   else since I believe that we should always be ourselves in our intimate   marital relationship. However, we can role play, such as a wife as sexy nurse   giving a sponge bath or a husband as swashbuckling pirate sweeping the damsel   off her feet. Just imagining my husband with a hook and an eye patch right now   makes me smile.
• Read comics or watch sitcoms in bed. Two extra points   if you do so naked. You’ll share grins and gropes, adding a sense of   playfulness to your time together.

Find activities that will titillate your body and tickle your funny bone. And be prepared for the unexpected: That is, if something funny happens in the middle of sex, go with the flow and laugh. Of course, be certain you laugh with not at your spouse.

Make your sex life hot, holy, and humorous! Enjoy the beauty and playfulness of marital intimacy.

Today’s SEX MONTH guest post is from Stu Gray. Stu and his wife Lisa have a weekly marriage podcast that challenges and inspires couples at StupendousMarriage.com. Stu is also working on a new resource to help couples who are battling with pornography in their marriage. Sign up for updates about Porn Free Marriage here.

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A big thanks to David for the opportunity to share with you a bit during SEX month here are Happily Ever After!

When David asked me to write during this month on his site, I was like YES! Nothing better than writing about Sex and Marriage! Then I read further into the email. It said ‘write something about pornography – you seem to have alot to say about that’.

Oh, Yeah. That.

He’s right. I do have a bit to say about pornography and marriage.

I believe that porn can kill your marriage. Why do I think that?

It nearly did mine.

I didn’t think porn was that big of a deal. Like many, I stumbled into porn when I was a preteen, and it had been a part of my life ever since. I didn’t think it was a big deal. BUT. When the woman I love said that something had to change, or she wasn’t going to be around, I knew it was a big deal.

Let me get really honest. I knew something needed to change, but I didn’t want to change. I wanted to keep doing what I was doing. Yet, that road was going to lead to the end of my marriage. So, reluctantly, I decided to think about giving up pornography.

It was several months later before I decided that I wanted to give up porn for myself. Something went off in my heart like a bomb.

It was a realization that I wanted to be a better man, a better husband and father. I didn’t want to be someone who caused hurt, pain and resentment with my decisions to look at pornography (I could cause those feelings in other ways, and I didn’t need viewing porn to fan those flames).

I also wanted to be the man who stood up for God and made a difference in the life of my son. I wanted to break the generational disintegration that seemed to be happening in the men in my family. I wanted to say yes to God, and show my son that life can be fulfilling when you line up your ways with God’s ways.

So, maybe you aren’t to that point yet. Or, it could be that you are in a marriage where your spouse has a struggle and can’t seem to get past it (or doesn’t think they need to).

The hard news? It isn’t easy, and it isn’t quick. But most of life isn’t easy or quick.
We’re all on a journey – and if we’re married, we should be doing the journey together.
So, let me offer you some ABC’s to help you kick porn to the curb. Or, to offer to your
spouse who struggles with this sensitive subject.

2 A’s

A Decision

- You have to make a decision. It can’t be your spouse making the
decision for you. Like me, you may start on a road toward getting out of pornography because
you are up against a wall, and don’t want to lose the best relationship you’ve ever had.
But you are resentful. Let me be blunt: You should drop the resentment and realize the hurt
you are causing the other person in the relationship. Get over yourself and decide to give
it up. It’ll be better than the alternative. At some point God is going to change your heart
and make the decision something that YOU want to do. The first decision is to
change. The next decision is to change for yourself, not because anyone else told you to.

Accountability

- You need people who will hold you accountable. That doesn’t mean
someone who is going to ‘beat you up’ when you mess up. It means someone you can be honest
with about where you are with your struggles. And as much as I love my wife, she is NOT my
accountability person. We tried that. But what happened was that I wanted to look like the
perfect husband, so I wouldn’t go into as much detail as I do with my guy friends. They can
encourage me, and help me think through difficult situations or events. These same sex friends
need to have some success in this area, and they need to be trustworthy. They need to be safe.
Meaning that they aren’t going to share your stuff with others.

2 B’s

Better Thinking

- We have to realize that its the thinking that we have had that have
gotten us to where we are. I’m paraphrasing Albert Einstein by saying that continued thinking
like you used to think won’t get you the new results you want. If you keep thinking its ok to
go to porn when your physical needs aren’t met, nothing is going to change. Likely, things are
going to get worse. You will have to keep hiding your secret lust in the dark — and, lets face
it — eventually be caught. Its only a matter of time. Don’t think you won’t, because you will.
Better thinking leads to better actions. If you can get your head out of the false intimacy of
pornography and think clearly – you can begin to make better decisions for your marriage.

Brutal Honesty

- You need to take a serious look at your life. Why do you run to pornography?
Likely, pornography is a symptom of something else that has happened in your life, and pornography
is the ‘medication’ that you choose to ‘heal the pain’. Unfortunately, pornography is not medicine.
It’s actually a deadly poison for our minds and our marriages. How much time and money you are
spending on pornography? When I ditched the magazines and movies, I realized that I had at least a
thousand bucks wasted on false intimacy. That made me feel really stupid for not using that money
for more productive things.

2 C’s

Change Your Habit

- If you realize that you watch questionable stuff late at night – go to bed
when your spouse does. Or get a filter on the television. Make sure you filter your computer. I’ve talked
about having accountability with another person. When you feel an urge, one of the best things you can do
is reach for that phone and call someone who can encourage you and talk you down from making another
stupid choice. Perhaps its as simple as “bouncing your eyes” away from
images and forms that cause you to go to the lust place in your mind. When developing new habits, you
will have to consciously work on them for a season. You’ll be putting up what I call ‘artificial boundaries’
in your life. True change comes from the inside – so until that day comes (and it won’t ever be 100% change
this side of heaven) we need to protect ourselves by putting up those boundaries.

Celebrate Your Victories

- When you begin anything new, there are going to be challenges and setbacks.
There are also going to be little victories. Don’t miss those! You spent an hour online and didn’t surf for
porn – AWESOME! You didn’t look at that jogger today the second time? (Because it’s not the first look that
is the problem, its always when you go hunting for another look that is the problem) Yay You! These may seem
silly, but you have to look for the positive. You are retraining your brain. If each of us gave up after falling
off our bike the first time, none of us would know how to ride. If we gave up walking when we were babies after
that first waddle waddle bump back to the ground, we’d all still be scooching across the floor. NO. We all got
back up and tried again. And you know what? Mom and Dad thought it was the coolest thing when we made those
little bobble first tries. They celebrated those little steps. Because they were a big deal. And Thats the
mentality you have to have if you want to truly see victory over pornography.

Does any of this resonate with you and your struggle? How are you doing with your battle in your marriage?
Lets talk in the comments.

Today’s post is another guest post. This time from Dr. Ian Kerner. Ian Kerner, Ph.D is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including, She Comes First, Passionista, and The Big Fun Sexy Sex Book amongst others. Known for combining clinical insight with personal warmth, Ian frequently appears on the TODAY Show and also writes a weekly sex column for CNN. Ian is a certified American Association of Sexuality Educator Counselor and frequently addresses issues that are common to the “American bedroom” but nonetheless lead the lives of quiet desperation. He lives with his wife and two sons (and a pit-bull named Jitterbug) in New York City.

Enjoy Dr. Ian’s post below and read all the way to the end for a chance to win a FREE copy of his book, She Comes First!

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Couples often ask me how frequently they should be having sex, and, until recently, I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer. After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course,  the quality of their overall relationship to name just a few.

What might seem like too much sex to one person may seem like too little to another: (Remember that scene in Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are discussing their sex life, split-screen, with their respective therapists? Asks Woody’s therapist, “How often do you sleep together?”  To which he responds: “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Meanwhile, Diane Keaton’s therapist is asking her the very same question, and she replies, “Constantly. I’d say three times a week.”)

Every couple have to find their own middle ground. As my colleague and fellow contributor to Good in Bed, Dr. Gail Saltz, says: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes.”

So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advising couples to try to do it at least once a week. That’s because I believe that sex ruts are becoming epidemic. Not long ago CNN reported that 40 million Americans are stuck in sexless marriages, and in my own practice I’ve seen an increase in sex ruts and low-desire relationships due to a number of factors:

The stress of the recession and the toll it’s taking on relationships

• Couples are too busy and too tired for sex
• The side effects of many medications which inhibit desire (especially anti-depressants in the SSRI family)
• The easy access to Internet porn
• The rise in obesity and other health/lifestyle issues that dampen libido

Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable: to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become “good friends” at best or “bickering roommates” at worst.

Beyond the fact that sex is fun and free and enables couples to stay tuned in and turned on, what are some other reasons to do it this week?

• Sex rejuvenates you, relieves stress, boosts immunity, releases feel-good chemicals called endorphins, and–in men–improves prostate health.
• A healthy sex life may even make you a superstar at the office: Recent research by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D,. suggests that people who enjoy regular sex may be more successful at work, possibly because sex can increase confidence and increase self-esteem.

So go ahead and break that rut! Sex is a little like exercise. Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump, but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage “use it or lose it” has some truth. So does my suggestion, “try it, you’ll like it.” It’s easy to forget how much fun sex can be, and just having sex once a week will put you back in a regular groove.

And if you’re stuck in a sex rut, think about the following:

1.      Exercise and eat right. Your sexual health is connected to your overall health, and it’s no surprise that people who have sex more frequently are also healthier overall. If you’re too tired for sex, it probably means you’re too tired in other areas as well, and that you’re not taking care of yourself as much as you should be.

2.      Minimize stress. Not only does stress release cortisol, which inhibits testosterone, but studies have also shown that for a woman to want to have sex (and to enjoy it) parts of the female brain associated with outside stressors need to deactivate. So figure out what’s stressing you out and put together a plan with your partner to deal with it.

3.      Turn off (your computers), so you have some time to tune in to your partner and turn on. When you look at all of the precious time that gets sucked up by Facebook, surfing the Web, and email, no wonder you’re plopping into bed exhausted and spent.

4.      Give your partner a hug. Non-sexual physical intimacy builds a foundation for sexual desire. Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” and facilitates a sense of love and connection, especially in women. Most couples don’t take the time to hug at all, much less for 20 seconds.

In the end, remember, if you want to have a satisfying sex life, you have to have the sort of relationship that supports your sex life. Studies show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s actually believed that the ratio should be 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. Of course, you can’t go through life tallying every interaction, but you can know whether you’re fundamentally in positive or negative territory and start swinging the pendulum back to where it belongs.

Like the Nike ad says, Just do it!

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NOW FOR THE PRIZE! By simply commenting on the above post in the comments below you will be entered in a drawing to win a FREE copy of Dr. Ian Kerner’s book, She Comes First. Winner will be selected on 4/19/2012. Congrats to Michelle G. for winning the FREE copy of Dr. Kerner’s book!

Book Description:

Sex Month continues with a guest post from Cathy Lorient. Cathy writes a daily blog for married couples at RockinMarriage.com. Cathy provides a daily bite-sized romance tip to her readers which has been proven to improve relationships. To start receiving her Daily Bliss Tips click here. Thanks again to Cathy for her the below great article for Sex Month! Enjoy!

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3 Guaranteed Ways to Bring Passion Back Into the Bedroom by Cathy Lorient
One of the things we talk about most often on our blog and in our work is
bringing the romance, the passion and excitement back into marriages,
even marriages that have been going for twenty,thirty years or more.
Passion isn’t everything to a marriage, but it is extremely important.
Sometimes passion makes the difference between a good marriage and a
great one.

We read some great ideas posted by Jennifer L. Foust, Ph.D., M.S., LPC, who is
Director of Clinical Services at The Center for Growth & Sex Therapy in Philadelphia.
She has a lot of terrific advice for couples about relationships, marriage and
intimacy.

We’d like to share three great ideas, three ideas guaranteed to bring passion back
into the bedroom, and we’ll start with the one Dr. Foust suggested.

1. You and your spouse sit down over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee with two
pieces of paper each. On the first piece of paper, write five things that you think
would be really exciting to do or to try. These could be things you’ve done before
or things used to do or things you’ve only read or heard about. Next, on the second
piece of paper, write the five things that you think your spouse will list.

When you’re ready, share with each other your list of things you thought your spouse
would say. This will give you a chance to see how well your mate knows your needs,
preferences and desires. After you’ve talked about the first list, give each other your lists.
You can discuss the things you have in common and the things that were unexpected.

Agree that this week, one of you will take charge of planning a special time alone to
do at least two of the things on the other’s list. Next week, the other spouse will do
the same. Keep in mind that the plan and even the time and place, should be kept secret
if at all possible.

2. This has worked beautifully in our own relationship and in other couples we’ve shared it with.
One day or evening this week, each of you sit down in separate rooms with some post it notes or other
small pieces of notepaper and compose twenty short notes. They shouldn’t be whole paragraphs,
they don’t need to be serious and you can’t just say “I love you.” They should be notes that
will actually mean something. It could be “Remember the time we…” or “I love it when you….”
You get the idea. Now, make sure you keep your stash of notes in a safe place and each day,
tuck one or two or three where your spouse will find them. try lunch bags, windshield wipers,
laptop cases, and so on. By the end of this week of long distance flirting, you should be
ready for some serious alone time.

3. Do one new thing together this month. This one may sound pointless, since it has nothing to
do with romance or intimacy, but it works. Remember when you were dating and you tried all kinds
of things you’d never had or done before? Because you were so much in love? Do it again. Take a
dance class, go bungee jumping, rent a boat. Do something together that neither one of you has
done before. That newness, that sense of adventuring together, is an incredible aphrodesiac.

It’s Friday and I was going to do a prize giveaway for the week. I was going to purchase the below DVD and send it out to to one lucky winner. But I felt that the information on this DVD is so important that it wouldn’t be fair for just one person to get this information. So instead – EVERYONE IS A WINNER today!

The below clip is from a DVD teaching from one of my pastors, Connie M. Smith called Woman-to-Woman: Straight Talk About Sex. In this teaching Pastor Connie shares with women (both married and single) about sexuality in a way that’s not done very often. My wife Thea buys this teaching for women as part of a wedding gift whenever she finds out someone is getting married. Check out this clip, then keep reading:

Woman to Woman Clip

I was thrilled to see that she and Pastor Michael Smith (her husband) offer this teaching in FULL for FREE online at a site called Understanding TV. Check the entire message out here. So everyone can watch it. If you are a woman (or even a man), please take the time to watch this video. Much of what I learned about relationships, marriage and sex in marriage I learned from this couple. Please watch this video and let’s discuss in the comments!

Be sure to check Pastors Michael & Connie Smith out at www.thechurchgroup.com or www.understandingtv.com (for full free full teachings)

Also they are on Daystar on Sunday mornings (check your local listings). They are masters at teachings on relationships and marriage.